My grandmother passed recently. Unfortunately my father’s side is a bit complicated. There are a lot of emotions, including anger. Some feelings of resentment and things that will never come to a closure by discussion with my grandmother. At least not in the living. Even though I wasn’t directly involved in a lot of the heartache I still suffered my own feelings of resentment and pain. But, for me I’ve come to terms with what I can. And I know that was said is some how enlightened to my grandmother. That she truly and wholely understands all things that were in relation to the existing issues. I think she knows now what hurts were present and misunderstandings that were hidden are now revealed. And it’s not that I say this because of some assumption that this is what I choose to believe. But, it’s the energy that has surrounded me. Every person will have to deal with their own issues and each will deal with them at different times. I know we can only move forward now. I see a slight glimmer of hope. The path laid before us all is not an easy one to endure, but it is a path none the less filled with challenges we must face together as a family. Each challenge will make or break our bond testing it strength.
Small Insights
Today I learned that sometimes I over think things too much.
Understanding My Current Situation
I’ve been going through a lot of stuff lately. Every time I find myself contemplating my existence. Then I go back to trying to live life. Back to normal I guess. But for some reason this time, it’s really stuck to me. The things that I’m leaving behind. What is my legacy? I’m not looking at materialistic things. It’s more, did I teach my children things that they will take with them. Will they remember me? Will they say that they knew their mother?
I started to think back about all the things I’ve given them. The time we spent together. I wanted to make it something they will remember. So, I decided to start a journal and write down the times that meant so much to us. And also the share a little bit of how I feel about them. I’m working on this now.
My Issue with Karma
I log on to wordpress today and I see one of those highlighted posts with Sharon Stone’s response to the earthquake and Karma. I’m just going to give a brief snipit of my response…. Here’s the deal, yes there is Karma and it does happen, but you nor anyone else can determine what karma is being given at the time someone is going through a negative experience or a good one. Yeah there’s good Karma.
For example an exboyfriend of mine thought I was doing something behind his back. But, I wasn’t. I didn’t find out till months later he was on drugs and that’s why he was so parnoid. But, during that time I got into a car accident. It was a life changing altering experience that made drastic changes to how I viewed my life. Was it Karma? I’m sure. And everyone thought it was too. In fact they all believed it was karma as a direct result of doing something behind my ex’s back. But here’s the deal people who love to spit out, “oh that’s karma.” Yeah it’s karma somewhere but you don’t really know where the focus is coming from. There was no specific bell that rang and said karma is placed on you for this…
Don’t get me wrong I don’t agree with what’s happening in China. But, I’m just so tired of hearing Karma tossed around as if everyone understands and knows it completely to give word to it. and isn’t sharon stone a scientologist? They believe in Karma?
Quoting the Panda commercial, “People are lame…”
Being Sick
It was another trip to the hospital for me last night. The visits are a little too frequent for me. And I’m getting frustrated with the fact that I’m not getting better. I’m thinking about going to get Ayurveda treatment. I’d prefer to go to India for this, but I think traveling there would be a little difficult. There are some centers in California that are certified and have affiliation with India’s centers. So, I just have to find the right one. But, I’m not happy that things aren’t getting better. I need to start healing myself. I just need to rest and bring my strength up. Continue reading ‘Being Sick’
The Drama Continues
I was speaking with Jenna the other day and she enlightened me on the things I’ve been suspecting. Lanie still does have it out for me. She’s got most of our team thinking badly about me. She’s also has it out for two others, Veronica the new girl and Alyssa our team lead. I had heard that the last team she was on where David was the lead, the issues were the same. She was able to create chaos in the team as well. I’m counting the days this project will be over and the teams moved around again.
Well, Jenna was explaining that the team is upset with me. They think I’m mean, pushy, rude and out to get everyone. I had to laugh. All these people think this way of me, but I don’t interact with them at all. My duty on this project has left me pretty isolated from the team. I’m handling a lot of things that doesn’t involve their portion of the project. So, it’s interesting to hear that they’re upset for things I’ve done. Because I haven’t done anythning to them. I don’t even have that opportunity to. Then I started to find humor in all this mess that Lanie’s created. People are believing in things she’s saying rather then coming to me and directly addressing them. I want to approach them, but this has happened before where the person I approach is so upset that they go running to Lanie for advise. I’ve decided I’m done. I’m throwing in the towel and just letting her run a muck. I’m going to focus on my work. I’m going to let others thing what they will. If they can’t take the time to find out if these rumors are true, there’s really nothing I can do.
I just have to learn how to keep myself away from it.
There’s a Virus in the Office
I know I’ve touched a little bit on the co-worker in my office who seemed to have it out for me. The update on the situation is I mended that bridge. In some sense. We speak but for me it’s because I we’re on the same team. We have to associate. And unfortunate circumstances have placed us in the same situation.
Lately, I’ve noticed our team has been rather unhappy. The co-worker, let’s call her Lanie texts me Continue reading ‘There’s a Virus in the Office’
Stepping Outside Into Comfort
I’m a very different person today, than I was 15 years ago. There are things about me now that I noticed have changed. And life it self has moved on. In my new life I rarely go out in the evening unless it’s for an evening out with my husband or friends. But, I rarely go out alone. My husband who had been gone for a few days is finally returning. But, the other night I had to pick him up at the airport. His flight was late and it was a last minute change in his schedule. The plane landed at 2AM which meant I had to go get gas. Well I didn’t want to be out alone at 1 putting gas in the car. So, I instead I decided to get gas around 10:30. Which is about the sametime I found out that the plans had changed.
Drifting From My Journey
I’ve been more focused with work and the classes I’ve been taking. I’ve also been trying to focus on my personal home business. And today it all seemed to come to some stand still. I opened my journal and noticed I haven’t written in some time. I also have visited this little home less and less. But I find myself here. With noting focused to say. Just random thoughts and inner babble.
Is Sucker Written On My Forehead?
I know I’ve said before, that I want to believe that people are generally good hearted. That most of the time it’s just a misunderstanding. But, I’m finding that lately people are very underhanded and sneaky. Again I’m dooped into believing and trusting in people only to find out I’ve been used in some way to meet their means.
